Alone: A Journey

A geeky, poly, queer, feminist, hippy, spiritual girl, finds solace in being single and alone. This is a daily journey into finding herself through being alone.

Morning: Day 5

I slept over a friend’s place, in Northampton last night. I spent yesterday with my best friend, shopping for necessary girl wear. She introduced me to a store that sells affordable and cute plus size clothing. Suddenly I do not feel too heavy to fit into nice clothing. My mother promised me we would go back this weekend to buy a floral dress for my April recital. My voice teacher did tell me to buy something that made me feel pretty.

I woke up on my friend’s couch this morning, blinking with the sun in my eyes, coming through the window. I can see the tops of the buildings near by, outside the window. My friend was snoring upstairs, and I got up to check my mail on his computer. When I was finished with that, I decided to play some Animal Crossing New Leaf. Then I went upstairs to take a shower, and then sat down to finish some more of my ten page paper that is due next week.

My friend is now awake, and we are planning our day. I feel like having some company this weekend. Weekends seem like a good time to have company, and I am relishing in that. A nice day, exploring the town with my friends, and playing at a seedy club during the dark hours. Sounds like an enjoyable way to spend a weekend.

Maybe I’ll even open my book.

22 03/14

Alone: Day Three

There are benefits to being alone. But being alone also comes with negative connotations. Society does not want us to want to be alone. They come up with creative ways for us not to be alone, nor embrace it. I personally think there is salvation in being alone.

Some people are not ok with being alone. I would say those are the people who are more extroverted, but even extroverts can grow tired of constantly being in someone’s company. I’ve become rather saturated. I’ve become more accustomed to listening, hearing what the sounds of the wind has to say, or growing comfortable with silence.

Not being in a relationship is both a blessing and a curse. I do not have to worry about appeasing someone. However, there are certain desires that I have, that everyone has, that need to be fulfilled. I want to be more autonomous, more self-reliant. When I am hungry, I eat. When I am tired, I sleep. When I am thirsty, I drink. When I desire company, I open a book or call a friend.

I do not seek out company in the ways I used to. I do not seek out love, nor does it interest me at the moment. Spending time with myself gives me room to grow. I learn things about myself through being alone, that I could not learn through being with a lover. I am learning to love myself, and as cliché as it sounds, I am reaping all the benefits.

I had a dominant once. At that time, I did not have the necessary tools to keep myself emotionally healthy. When I felt sick, he told me to eat. When I was sad, he told me to look in the mirror, and say something nice about myself. I was not equipped to cope. Now I have the tools and the coping mechanisms. I am more independent now.

I sat on a bench outside today, and read a book that I got at the library. I put my headphones in on ear, and listened to the wind rushing past my other ear. I listened to passerby’s conversations. I heard a car go by. I felt the heat of the sun shine on my face. I breathed it all in. This is exactly where I want to be, and who I want to be.

I am content with solitude. Company is wonderful, but being alone is nice too.

20 03/14
As the weather is getting nicer, I am more inclined to sit outside and read a book. I took a selfie while sitting solitary on a bench after lunch.

As the weather is getting nicer, I am more inclined to sit outside and read a book. I took a selfie while sitting solitary on a bench after lunch.

20 03/14

Meditation and Prayer: Day Three

I woke up at 7 this morning, took a shower, and sat down to check my inbox.

I think this morning is a morning to make a cup of tea, eat a bagel, do a devotional, and just sit and breath for awhile, reveling in the quiet, while everyone is still asleep.

Later, I’ll go to class, maybe read during lunch, go to my last few classes, see a friend, then come home and do some more homework. Maybe I’ll watch an episode of HIMYM, and sleep deeply. I slept very deeply last night. It was lovely.

20 03/14

Day Two: Homework and Playtime

I guess one of the reasons I have seriously considered singledom is to get mass amounts of homework done, and to feel relatively productive. I have an eight page paper due next week, and a case study due on Friday. Might as well use my free time to get these things done, that I’ve been putting off all semester, due to having an active social calendar. 

One of my potential play partners texted me today, asking me how I felt, how my test went last night, and what I was doing today. I told her I was probably going to do homework, and read the book I got at the library yesterday. She  told me she was reading about gardening. She’s a plant scientist, and awfully cute. 

During work, one of my older play partners messaged me on Facebook, telling me he was in the area, and asked me if I wanted to have a spontaneous get together this afternoon. He’s a kinky fellow, who wants to have some backseat playtime. Given the fact that I have not seen him in a year, I’ve decided to adjust my plans a bit, and make room in my schedule for him. He’s a Dom I have the utmost respect for, and feel privileged to spend time with. 

The day is so nice, I do wish to spend some time outside. Going home, I will shower, and put on a dress, and frollick in the sunshine. Maybe even bring my library book outside, and find a nice shady tree to sit under. 

19 03/14

The Decision to be Alone and Day One

've been polyamorous for quite sometime now. Over the past few months, having multiple loving partners, and such a wonderful life, I have become quite saturated. I crave being alone, doing my own thing, not worrying about what others might feel. I've grown tired, and I have not been keeping up with priorities, such as homework, and daily reflection.

Last night I broke up with my partners, and made the conscious decision to be alone. I was discussing this with a friend, and he was commenting on the fact that I was “hitting all the nails on all the right heads”. I want to be able to take care of myself, treat myself, make sure to drink enough water and get enough sleep, be able to finish my homework, and not get distracted by too much of a social life. I want to be able to finish a book, or go for a walk when it’s nice out, or get lost. These are the things I miss about being alone. Whilst discussing this with my friend, I happened across this youtube video. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7X7sZzSXYs

That video made me excited about my new journey into knowing myself, and knowing what makes me feel good, and putting myself first. Today was the beginning of my journey.

Today, March 18, 2014, I got lost in my school library. I decided to search the fiction section, since I have never come across it before. During my search, I found an empty computer, and decided to do a little research for a project I have at the end of the semester. I spent about a half hour on there, and then decided to search for a book. I finally found a small fiction section, and spent the next half hour finding a book to check out of the library. When I finally found one, I approached the librarian to check it out. She told me she had seen me wandering, and asked me if I had found everything I was looking for. I told her I just wanted to get lost in the library, and she said she was glad she didn’t ask to help me. I checked out the book, and spent the next hour reading, waiting for class. It was quiet, and I was glad to have the time to myself.

I think tomorrow I will spend some time doing more homework. I’m wondering what other adventures I will have.

18 03/14